This is the first piece I have written in many months.
Reading that sentence back is both liberating and terrifying in equal measure.
Reading that sentence back is both liberating and terrifying in equal measure.
Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise
Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday
Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday
For many years, I used writing as a form of escape from the grip of mental illness and its associated stigma. Yet, I kept my suffering a secret, fearing such an open admission would harm my lofty ambitions of becoming an established horror author. I wanted to make waves, I wanted to be the next big thing in UK horror, and for a time I believed I could be. All it would take is hard work, self-belief, a lot of networking and the need to make sure I was in the right place at the right time. I wrote lots, networked plenty and continually looked for opportunities where I could either further my brand, or learn something new. I experienced the highs and lows of film-making, won a handful of awards, saw numerous works of mine performed on stage, and met many genuinely lovely people.
Buddy, you're a young man, hard man
Shouting in the street, gonna take on the world someday
Shouting in the street, gonna take on the world someday
I went all out, guns blazing. I worked hard in the local community to promote creative writing, spearheading initiatives that remain to this day, and for a time I believed I would “make it”.
Whatever it was.
Yet the whole time I was struggling with my mental health. I battled the worry that my creativity was (at first) stifled by the medication I needed to make it to the end of the day. Then I worried that I needed said medication to be creative, once I was told to reduce my dose. I ended up cancelling events at short notice, missing out on paid opportunities and potential projects.
Whatever it was.
Yet the whole time I was struggling with my mental health. I battled the worry that my creativity was (at first) stifled by the medication I needed to make it to the end of the day. Then I worried that I needed said medication to be creative, once I was told to reduce my dose. I ended up cancelling events at short notice, missing out on paid opportunities and potential projects.
Buddy, you're an old man, poor man
Pleading with your eyes, gonna get you some peace someday
Pleading with your eyes, gonna get you some peace someday
For a long time I was bitter about it all; that I had what it took to become an established author, if only my head would let me. Futile is the fight you pick with yourself.
Peace, rather than acceptance, is what I seek more of these days; Peace I thought I could find via the acceptance of others.
I was mistaken.
Peace, rather than acceptance, is what I seek more of these days; Peace I thought I could find via the acceptance of others.
I was mistaken.
You got mud on your face, big disgrace
Somebody better put you back into your place, do it!
Somebody better put you back into your place, do it!
It was during the tail end of 2018 that I suffered a particularly bad bout of depression. It’s an illness I’ve battled since my mid-teens. My early thirties, perhaps fueled by my over-compensating with regards to my writing aspirations, led me to believe I’d slain the Black Dog; that I understood not only the nature of my demons, but the mechanisms of the illness and the cold, hard chemistry behind it.
Wrong again. So, so wrong.
I was, unbeknownst to me, perhaps the furthest I’d fallen. I believed my best works were behind me, was devoid of new ideas, struggling financially and had no idea of where my life was heading outside of being a father. The dosage creeped up alongside the crippling side-effects that led to an almost complete shutdown creatively and emotionally.
I was drowning and I needed to do something to reconnect with the myself. I’d argue that what followed was the one and only time writing saved me from depression.
When I felt at my absolute worst, I forced myself to write; only this time, instead of transferring my tumultuous emotions into a work of fiction, I wrote raw. There was no protagonist whom I could use as a vessel to untangle my feelings; it was just me, the illness and a blank page.
There were times when I thought the blank page would win. Other times, the illness. Rarely did I glimpse a victory for me.
For months I’d suffer, pushing through the treacle of thought that depression so loves to bestow. It is here I need to mention that without the love and support of my family, I’d not have found the strength to write during this period.
In time, my symptoms relented (Not before taking the decision to stop the medications, which I wrote about in my notes both before and after. But still, it passed.), and I was glad.
It was difficult revisiting the notes. Many times I’d open the Word document, intending to make sense of the gibberish I’d written, only to shut down the computer for fear of revisiting the place I’d only recently escaped, afraid I’d be stuck there again. But I had a feeling I couldn’t shake, and it’s one that any writer can attest to: I felt that whatever I’d written had some worth, not only to me, but to perhaps my young family, who sometimes struggled to understand their daddy/husband, and to others perhaps, who were experiencing similar thoughts and feelings, but had no idea that they were not alone.
They are not alone.
It was this truth that compelled me to collect together the writings of an ill mind, of my ill mind, and release them as the book Sounds of a Madman.
It was the best decision I ever made as a writer.
Of course, I was scared being this open with a world I had always struggled to relate to, but the feeling I could…no, should try to help others, guided my hand. I elected to self-publish, because not only could I get the book out quickly (before self-doubt and depression tag-teamed me for the pin), but also so I could keep the cost as low as possible. I didn’t want price to be a barrier to help.
And it has helped others, and I hope long may it continue to do so. I don’t believe there’s another book out there that shows exactly how it feels to live with a mental illness. I can’t ever say for sure that everyone will feel the same as I did/do, but if one person reads it and no longer feels alone, then the experience was worth documenting.
My writing career began with me attempting to find myself amid a crowd. It has seemingly ended on the finding of me, by me. Yes, I’ve more books out later this year, but I’ve nothing new planned, and that’s OK.
That’s my arc, and I’m content with both my journey and its end.
Now, it is my family who need me, and I face the greatest challenge to my mental well-being in all of my forty years. Together, we are stronger, and it is upon a solid foundation of understanding that I will support them.
Sounds Of A Madman is available from all Amazon Stores priced 99p Kindle/ £2.99 Paperback (Our your countries equivalent price.)
Wrong again. So, so wrong.
I was, unbeknownst to me, perhaps the furthest I’d fallen. I believed my best works were behind me, was devoid of new ideas, struggling financially and had no idea of where my life was heading outside of being a father. The dosage creeped up alongside the crippling side-effects that led to an almost complete shutdown creatively and emotionally.
I was drowning and I needed to do something to reconnect with the myself. I’d argue that what followed was the one and only time writing saved me from depression.
When I felt at my absolute worst, I forced myself to write; only this time, instead of transferring my tumultuous emotions into a work of fiction, I wrote raw. There was no protagonist whom I could use as a vessel to untangle my feelings; it was just me, the illness and a blank page.
There were times when I thought the blank page would win. Other times, the illness. Rarely did I glimpse a victory for me.
For months I’d suffer, pushing through the treacle of thought that depression so loves to bestow. It is here I need to mention that without the love and support of my family, I’d not have found the strength to write during this period.
In time, my symptoms relented (Not before taking the decision to stop the medications, which I wrote about in my notes both before and after. But still, it passed.), and I was glad.
It was difficult revisiting the notes. Many times I’d open the Word document, intending to make sense of the gibberish I’d written, only to shut down the computer for fear of revisiting the place I’d only recently escaped, afraid I’d be stuck there again. But I had a feeling I couldn’t shake, and it’s one that any writer can attest to: I felt that whatever I’d written had some worth, not only to me, but to perhaps my young family, who sometimes struggled to understand their daddy/husband, and to others perhaps, who were experiencing similar thoughts and feelings, but had no idea that they were not alone.
They are not alone.
It was this truth that compelled me to collect together the writings of an ill mind, of my ill mind, and release them as the book Sounds of a Madman.
It was the best decision I ever made as a writer.
Of course, I was scared being this open with a world I had always struggled to relate to, but the feeling I could…no, should try to help others, guided my hand. I elected to self-publish, because not only could I get the book out quickly (before self-doubt and depression tag-teamed me for the pin), but also so I could keep the cost as low as possible. I didn’t want price to be a barrier to help.
And it has helped others, and I hope long may it continue to do so. I don’t believe there’s another book out there that shows exactly how it feels to live with a mental illness. I can’t ever say for sure that everyone will feel the same as I did/do, but if one person reads it and no longer feels alone, then the experience was worth documenting.
My writing career began with me attempting to find myself amid a crowd. It has seemingly ended on the finding of me, by me. Yes, I’ve more books out later this year, but I’ve nothing new planned, and that’s OK.
That’s my arc, and I’m content with both my journey and its end.
Now, it is my family who need me, and I face the greatest challenge to my mental well-being in all of my forty years. Together, we are stronger, and it is upon a solid foundation of understanding that I will support them.
Sounds Of A Madman is available from all Amazon Stores priced 99p Kindle/ £2.99 Paperback (Our your countries equivalent price.)
Dan Weatherer is represented by The Cherry Weiner Literary Agency.
Award-winning author, Dan Weatherer, was first published by Haunted Magazine in Spring, 2013.
Aside from the publication of numerous short stories with a multitude of presses, his next major project was a solo collection of short stories titled The Soul That Screamed (Winner of the Preditors & Editors™ Readers' Poll ‘Best Anthology 2013’).
A further two collections Only the Good Burn Bright (Spring 2015, James Ward Kirk Fiction) and Neverlight (Spring 2016, Spectral Press) quickly followed. His first non-fiction book titled ‘What Dwells Within’ was released in the Autumn of 2015 and details the life’s work of paranormal investigator Jayne Harris.
In 2015, Dan was shortlisted for the prestigious position of Staffordshire Poet Laureate 2016-2018.
In 2017, Neverlight was shortlisted for the first annual Arnold Bennett Literary Prize. His fourth collection Just Eventide, was released in August 2017.
2017 also saw the release of Dan’s historical novella, ‘Crippen’, courtesy again of Spectral Press.
An accomplished playwright, Dan was winner of the 2017 Soundwork UK play competition, a finalist in the Blackshaw Showcase Award 2016, and a two-time finalist of the Congleton Players One Act Festival, 2016. Dan has had several of his plays appear at festivals and fringe events. The Dead Stage, a book detailing Dan’s experiences as a novice playwright was published courtesy of Crystal Lake Publishing in October, 2018
In 2019, Dan was nominated for a local Heroes award (The Sentinel) for his continued promotion of literacy and mental health issues in the city of Stoke on Trent.
2019 also saw the release of his non-fiction title Sounds of a Madman, where Dan discusses the issues surrounding living with Depression and Anxiety. The Necessary Evils was published late October (Demain Press), followed by The Tainted Isle, Dan's debut novel, courtesy of PS Publishing.
Dan lives in Staffordshire, where is married to his wife Jenni and is a (proud) full-time dad to his daughter Bethany, and his son Nathan.
Award-winning author, Dan Weatherer, was first published by Haunted Magazine in Spring, 2013.
Aside from the publication of numerous short stories with a multitude of presses, his next major project was a solo collection of short stories titled The Soul That Screamed (Winner of the Preditors & Editors™ Readers' Poll ‘Best Anthology 2013’).
A further two collections Only the Good Burn Bright (Spring 2015, James Ward Kirk Fiction) and Neverlight (Spring 2016, Spectral Press) quickly followed. His first non-fiction book titled ‘What Dwells Within’ was released in the Autumn of 2015 and details the life’s work of paranormal investigator Jayne Harris.
In 2015, Dan was shortlisted for the prestigious position of Staffordshire Poet Laureate 2016-2018.
In 2017, Neverlight was shortlisted for the first annual Arnold Bennett Literary Prize. His fourth collection Just Eventide, was released in August 2017.
2017 also saw the release of Dan’s historical novella, ‘Crippen’, courtesy again of Spectral Press.
An accomplished playwright, Dan was winner of the 2017 Soundwork UK play competition, a finalist in the Blackshaw Showcase Award 2016, and a two-time finalist of the Congleton Players One Act Festival, 2016. Dan has had several of his plays appear at festivals and fringe events. The Dead Stage, a book detailing Dan’s experiences as a novice playwright was published courtesy of Crystal Lake Publishing in October, 2018
In 2019, Dan was nominated for a local Heroes award (The Sentinel) for his continued promotion of literacy and mental health issues in the city of Stoke on Trent.
2019 also saw the release of his non-fiction title Sounds of a Madman, where Dan discusses the issues surrounding living with Depression and Anxiety. The Necessary Evils was published late October (Demain Press), followed by The Tainted Isle, Dan's debut novel, courtesy of PS Publishing.
Dan lives in Staffordshire, where is married to his wife Jenni and is a (proud) full-time dad to his daughter Bethany, and his son Nathan.
Twitter - @ritetig
Website – www.fatherdarkness.com
The Tainted Isle (PS Publishing)- https://www.pspublishing.co.uk/the-tainted-isle-hardcover-by-dan-weatherer-4950-p.asp
Amazon Author – Dan Weatherer https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dan-Weatherer/e/B00BUKYLEA/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
Website – www.fatherdarkness.com
The Tainted Isle (PS Publishing)- https://www.pspublishing.co.uk/the-tainted-isle-hardcover-by-dan-weatherer-4950-p.asp
Amazon Author – Dan Weatherer https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dan-Weatherer/e/B00BUKYLEA/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
This book focuses on the struggle of living with mental illness, combining social stigma with internal suffering.By design, it is a difficult read. I want the reader to experience as accurately as possible the mindset of a person suffering from depression/anxiety. While there does seem to be a greater focus on the issue of mental health (at least, judging by current media campaigns), there is still a way to go to educate and empower both sufferers and the public alike. NHS services for mental health are stretched beyond breaking point, and many patients are falling through the cracks. I've lost friends and family who suffered, misunderstood and were let down by those around them and the services they were directed towards. This book is dedicated to them.
